Vancouver, I Will Be Back

Call me selfish, but some of my best vacations were the one I had with myself. Five minutes, instead of 2 hours wait, for that delicious Ippudo ramen. Roaming freely and pressureless-ly, visiting each and every exhibition at the Library of Congress. And straddling along Las Vegas Boulevard observing the newly wed and the just-bankrupt.

Last month, it was Vancouver's turn. Having heard repeatedly that this is 'one of the most beautiful cities', I was excited to venture what this city has to offer: food, culture, and scenery.

Without a doubt, my first stop had to be Stanley Park. That had dominated my Google search history for days, and I had been eyeing it with pure lust and determination. So, after stuffing my stomach with delicious fresh salmon sashimi, I made my first stop at Stanley Park. With the evening sun glaring softly, ocean breeze blowing gently, together with mountains and oceans witnessing my act of freedom, I put on my running shoes and ran.

View of Vancouver from Stanley Park 

View from Brandywine Falls

It's not a rumor. Vancouver is indeed one of the most beautiful cities that I have ever visited. Not New York because of its reckless and constantly-honking yellow taxis. Not Chicago because it lacks the mountain view. Not Boston because of it mediocre Japanese food. Not San Francisco because of the absence of a park in the middle of its downtown. Vancouver competes in a completely different league - beat them hands down.

View from Granville Island 

A Statue of Ilanaaq, the official logo mascot of Winter Olympic 2010

Skyline from Cypress Bowl 

Whistler was a different beast on its own. There was something mysterious and grandeur on the view before me that I was forced to slow down and observe. It felt like my existence was being challenged by the mountain and was being put in a ring together on a battle of ego. How could I be the center of the world? How could everything revolve around me? I need to take a class on perspective, because definitely my self-centered and narrow view of self cannot contain the vast yet intricate detail of this one snapshot of creation.

Call me selfish, but also call me a mere human. Nature is created to be enjoyed, and some people find its utmost pleasure in solitude. Reflection, I'd argue, is an art slowly missing in this fast paced, LTE data plan culture. So what does it take for a person to get recharged and be energized again? I don't know what works for you, but for me, travelling to Vancouver works just fine.

After 9 Months

9 months and 9 days

That is how long I have been absent from this blog. Not that anyone would realize, but finally I feel guilty for not writing again. Not because I will write anything inspirational, because a travel log on my journey to Cambodia can hardly be called inspirational. Not because anyone blame me for not writing. But just because  this blog has recorded significant moments of my life - due to my discipline of writing - and I intend to keep it that way.

9 months and 9 days is what it took to make me realize that I have not been putting too much thought into what's going on around me. I have left my crayon untouched and left the world uncolored, and I intend to make it stop.

So, today is July 19th 2013 - the date where one streak of color is painted on the canvas.

First, let me blame someone for these 9 months
1. For eight months, my writing class had occupied my time and really deplete all the desire, that was very negligible to start with, to write.

2. I have been managing two other blogs. So in my defense, I was nothing like that sloth who was busy watching Masterchef (although that is a frequent occurrence), but just because I have so many blogs to juggle with. Ha, so give me a break.

3. The world was boring. Well, maybe not. Because during that 8 months window, Oklahoma was hit by tornado, a new pope was elected, and Obama won the election. But somehow all of those left me undisturbed. It was not until Travyon Martin trial started and the hateful responses following its verdict that left me disturbed. The world does not run out of problems, in fact it can't keep up with the problems.

So rest assure, I will write more often (let's not remember that I have made - with such an ease - a similar promise in this blog which I have broken as easily too). Granted nothing distracting will happen in the next couple of days, please anticipate my next blog on my trip to Vancouver and Seattle.

Why Do I Choose to Yelp?

Yes, my name is Gerry and I am a Yelper! I said that with the most declarative tone and highest pride any food lovers can exude, putting my name in the same caliber with any other food experts yelping and reviewing various kinds of restaurants or food establishments.

I wonder why do I join this Yelp bandwagon pretty late compared to all my other friends. Although at least one shot of espresso and crumbs of chocolate pistachio cake run in my blood, and despite the fact Yelp has been one of my most visited website, at home or unashamedly I admit at my work laptop, I have been reluctant to complicate my life with reviewing stranger's restaurant as if they will remember me and send me a thank you card later. 

But, certain angelic revelation came unto me one day and I was convinced to join the bandwagon and added "yelper" to my part time occupation, only mine is not about raving or bitching over the overly cooked fillet mignon or the not-so tender carrot. No, I refuse to do that, mine is, as I have alluded, contain an 'angelic' aspect,

And this is the reason. I've seen too many great small restaurants and talented chef destined to pack their cookware only because they don't get enough exposure in this super cluttered food business world. Places like Mike's place and Ippudo are reaching to a point of exploding because of glowing review from tons of Yelper, joining the hype at the moment, and at the same time, attracting multitude of crowds. Life is not fair I know, there is a gap distancing the famous and infamous, but I'm gonna try to do my part to make it a little bit fair-er.

And thus is the decision. Those restaurants worthy of five or at least four stars, will get what they deserve. From this day onward, you are going to see me cruising more on Yelp, writing my piece of mind for small restaurants that possess the potential to be the next Ippudo. It might sound petty for some people, but 'do unto others what you want them to do to you' right? With scanty marketing budget and unfamiliar brand name, a simple review from one customer or a rating boost from 4 to 4.5 star could be just what the fledgling entrepreneur needs to put his head at rest and face another day with confidence.

So in short, and yes, this post could have ended 30 minutes ago, but kudos for you who manage to stay until this point. For me, Yelp is not only a platform to evangelize your favorite bar or to express your resentment towards that fail-to-melt molten chocolate cake, but also a platform where people put all of their chips - aspiration determination and hope - into one single business, letting its fate to be determined by some strangers, freely to be crushed or to be actualized. What's your choice? As for me, I rather choose the later. 

Ted Video - David Gallo and Alexander Tsiaras

I think these two cool videos deserve more coverage (although I don't think my blog will boost their number of views that much), but still, I can't help not to share it. Some objects are not easily captured, and most of the time remain foreign to the eyes of the average Joe, but these two experts did some serious undertaking to visualize and capture and made it unknowable to us the mystery lies in the deepest & darkest part of the ocean and also the miracle of a cell's conception.

If there is one feeling that these videos should evoke to us is the feeling of awe and wonder (jaw dropped) of how little we actually have discovered and how many more things remain unfamiliar to our mind. Like what one of the speakers said, "its magic, its miracle, its divinity", something that beyond comprehension of any humans' mind. Enjoy.

David Gallo shows underwater astonishment

Alexander Tsiaras: Conception to Birth - Visualized

Insightful Quote

It doesn't matter, really, how great the pressure is, it only matters where the pressure lies. See that it never comes between you and the Lord - then, the greater the pressure, the more it presses you to His breast.

- Hudson Taylor

Nespresso C-100 Review

Due to my daily demand of caffeine intake, I decided to buy an espresso machine that could satisfy my craving for coffee while could also save my wallet from the costly back and forth trip to Starbucks. After some heavy considerations, my choice landed to Nespresso C100, a home based automatic espresso machine that uses prepackaged ground coffee pressed in a capsule / pod. Here is what I think about it.

Pros:
One of the winning factor this product has is its ease of use. As simple as ABC, first you turn on the machine (wait for approx 30 secs until it heated up), insert the capsule, and press the button to start brewing. No frill, no spill of ground coffee, no splashing or dripping of water, no five minutes waiting anymore. Perfect for you who always on the rush yet can't leave the house without coffee.

Trust me, in terms of flavor, they taste great. My favorite is Ristretto (intensity 10). When it starts to brew, the crema starts to come out right away. I am in no way a coffee connoisseur, so if you ask me about how good the crema is, I would say that as long as you have crema, it is a step up, it's an espresso shot.

They also have great aroma. I dare to say that it is comparable to Starbucks, I love love love the taste of my Nespresso. Put two or three pods of Ristretto, use Aerocinno to produce your steam milk, pump in one pump of Monin Vanilla syrup and drizzle light caramel on top. Perfect.

Bottom line: for everyday consumption of coffee, nothing beat the easy practical quick result of Nespresso.

My Espresso Station

Cons:
Nothing really. I know there are lots of raving out there about the price. But really, think about it, Starbucks cost you $5 for a triple grande caramel macchiato. Compared that with $1.8 for Nespresso. Alright, count in the milk and syrup, it will end up $2.50 max. So, even a four year old know that $2.5 is cheaper than $5.

More grumpy users also complain about having to order the pods online, exclusively at Nespresso website. I understand how this can be inflexible, but as long as you plan them well, you can always order in bulk, pay the fixed rate shipping of $6, and have your Nespresso supplies for months. Unless they discontinue their production or run out of their pods, this is no sweat for me.

I have petty disgruntlement about the shot though. Maybe this is my feeling, but I feel the intensity of the caffeine is pretty weak and stale. Three shots of caffeine at Starbucks will surely keep me wide awake, pumping my heart beyond its capacity, but three shots of Nespresso do not seem to do the trick. I do still yawn with teary eyes, maybe it's me being too jacked up, maybe it's the espresso, but what I know for sure is I would not dare to go for the fourth shot. Please have mercy on me.

Las Vegas in Snapshots

Rare view of the Bellagio Fountain - was eating at this Japanese restaurant, Yellowtail. 

 I know buddy, life in Vegas can be pretty rough. 

Double rainbow, lol. These people have a sense of humor. 

Looking for great yet cheap meal in Vegas? Pretty tough mission to accomplish.
But this sandwich nails it. Find them at Planet Hollywood. 

One of the greatest dessert place ever: Jean-Philippe. They have this largest chocolate fountain.

Assortment of cakes - mouth watering. 

Banana foster crepe. I wish my friends were with me to
try the rest of the dessert. 

That's why we have online check in buddy. Smart move,
I skipped all those lines. 

Tweets in 2010 - part 1

This post is longgg overdue. Last December, I revisited all my tweets in 2010 just to look back and reminisce at one, if not the most, profound year of my life. As for me, tweeting is one of the vehicles to translate my esoteric feelings into fathomable language; although some are admittedly pure trash talking, some are words replete with meanings and emotions. For sure, 2010 defied everything regular and I was not left untouched by its surprising mark.

1st part of the year
A self-controlling person can't stand before the face of uncertainty; he always tries uncontrollably to get a grip of something, but that is pure folly when he remembers there are actually not much things that is within his control; The joystick is there somewhere, but it certainly not in the grip of his hands. Here is a story of anxiety and dependency, shining brightly in a lovely contrast.

January 
When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one (bad times) as well as the other (good times). So, Psalm 118:24 


Playing and replaying all kind of possible scenarios in my head - if only i can fast forward and see the episode finale 

Just learned today that next Friday is my last day to get a job - or else I'll be leaving town. Please pray for strength and peaceful heart

Isn't that another thing to be grateful for, that our darkest past will be turned out for good? Romans 8:28


February

For I've learned to be content whatever d circumstances, and with that, I can do everything through him who gives me strength - Phil 4


Waking up hating myself and the world - have to flush all those craps and flood my mind with perspective


March
Life is like a mystery novel, d only way to know d unknown is to flip the page, confident that each day brings us closer to the end 


It has been a long n winding journey; from make up, weight loss formula, satellite TV, seafood and fertilizer starting on next week


And I hope this is it, that the search is finally over - oh what a journey, what a god


Going through my journal entries; funny how life plays out, how feelings change, and how people play their roles

Random Pics - Part 2

I am pretty sure that those kind of oil is freaking expensive and will make a great fried chicken. But why, and again, why would you waste it on a supernatural showdown? The image of people sprinkling expensive oil and to rub them on their stomach or forehead is itching for me. I am sure God doesn't mind if you use Bimoli or baby oil for that matter. Let preserve olive oil for the next time you cook Italian dish, and I'll trade my baby oil, or massage oil, or even my natural facial oil the next time you need one. Deal?

Worry not, I'm not at Amazon river and I'm not being attacked by an army of Piranhas. These imported fishes from Turkey are actually cute and harmless - and I deeply believe with the world becoming more globalized and the more trade-barrier being lifted up to import these fishes, the occupation of masseur is under threat. They are great massager; they tickle, they don't talk much, they won't bruise your muscle and leave you in deep pain the day after, they work together for the client satisfaction and they claim to bring restorative effect. There you go, the next future of massage.

I believe in the God of trinity, and that is why when I bought Neril Shampoo and learned afterwards that they also have conditioner and tonic, I quickly receive both of them to be my helper and deliverer. The trinity of my hair is now complete and as the maxim says, do your best to treat your hair, but let God do the rest. Yes, to you three I surrender.

Do you sometimes feel like not in the feeling to dispose your waste due to the fact that you have to clean / wipe / sterilize your bottom? I do sometimes, it is not the most pleasant activity, it is gross and filthy. But why in the United States of America, the most developed country in the world, this technology does not exist? I know you are independent and want to control how things should be done. But for this matter, really? Let leave it to the machine to do the washing for you, and what you have to do is to wipe it just in a single stroke, yes, a single stroke. Hey, you have washing machine for your car, but not for your bottom? We can make it shine and smell nice too you know?

Her Best Christmas Party.. Ever...

Turn left for the Christmas Party

I follow the sign to join the party that seems to be the hottest event this year - everybody in town have been talking about it. This is my first year in this part of town and my first Christmas away from my family so I'm not sure what to expect, probably the same predictable things like carol singing, gift unwrapping, hand shaking, etc etc? At least that's what I've seen in the movie. My family is never big on Christmas so we don't really do those stuff, but still it feels weird to spend Christmas without them.

My thought travel back to the time when I set up the old Christmas tree at our living room, when the five of us sit together on a Christmas service, strolling and shopping for discounted Christmas decoration at the mall, and sharing Christmas dinner together. My thoughts time traveled further back and I am captivated for a while at the memory of my wedding day with my husband, also on Christmas. Or the proceeding Christmas afterwards, seeing three of my children one by one, growing into a God-feared man and woman. Indeed, my life has been blessed by the King and every Christmas is a celebration for that.

So, here I am at this new place, the first Christmas without the presence of my family and friends. As I approach closer, the sound of festivity is getting more evident; people cheering, chuckling and giggling. The mere merriness and joy quickly arrest my attention and I feel my feet is walking faster in enthusiasm and my heart is pounding with impatience. As I stand before the door, I take a deep breath, practice my best smile and with all my might, open the door. And what I see inside the door is eye-poppingly beyond my imagination.

My fake smile quickly vanishes and turns into a wide smile expressing both amusement and disbelief. At the center of the hall is a group of choir singing joyfully the anthem of Christmas. I see people from all nations and ages praising the miracle of Christmas, their countenances are beamed with joy and thanksgiving, reflecting the whole ambiance in the room. Celestial creatures hovering on top of them, playing musical instruments in the most melodious fashion. The music is soothing, the choir is majestic; and I stand there in amazement for a while, absorbing the grandeur of such scene.

At each corner of the room stand the most magnificent Christmas tree ever, and as I observe them closer, each corner represents one specific season. The tree is unlike what I’ve ever seen; light emanate from it and I can smell the fresh scent of nature. I soon learn that the tree is not decorated by ornaments or toys, the tree from the spring season is an oak tree blooming with all my favorite flowers; roses, tulip and lilies. Cute bees and butterflies are dancing merrily around it, celebrating their own Christmas. I always want to be a florist and the tree before my eyes has such beauty that blow me away. Nature has never been this harmonious, and at the crest of my excitement, I feel my legs start to dance around the Christmas tree joining in the rhythm of the choir. 

Too caught up in the excitement, I forget how starving I am. I quickly head towards the banquet to tame my growling stomach and what I see is the most sumptuous banquet ever. Delectable food from all kind of cuisines are available, even my local hometown food. I grab a full plate of food and find a seat with three other people. As I devour my meal, I quickly find comfort in them. They are genuinely nice and the conversation is so full of love. It feels like we have known each other for ages, and we just jump from one topic to another so seamlessly, share about our life, our most embarrassing moment to which we all listen attentively, laugh heartily and tease lovingly. Such a blast - I have never felt being so loved.

In a sudden, the choir stop playing and there is this five second of silence before the choir starts playing Messiah by Handel. Words fail to describe the sensation, I just feel an insurmountable feeling of joy at the playing of that piece. The door slowly open, and I see the Master of the Banquet enters in. His face is resplendent in glory, his smile is amiable and alluring, and the splendor surrounding him is so grandeur and so majestic. In his eyes I see a blazing fire and a calm water, in his presence I feel completely undone and completely confident. And I think everybody in the room share the same feeling, we all can't help not to revel and praise him, the Christmas himself.

I watch him closely, and I think he notices me and starts to approach me. When we stand face to face, he says to me, "Hey my daughter, I hope you enjoy the party as much as I enjoy it. I know what you are thinking, but you know that they all will also come to this point sometimes don't you? And that they will get to enjoy the party as well."

I agree with him, "I know, but I just hope that my husband and my three children will be with me here. I am sure they will be thrilled to see what fun I have in here. I wish they all were here to talk together with you, and experience you, the true Christmas."

"I know you miss them, and they miss you too you know?" He replied. "And although they won't be able to spend Christmas together with you anymore, I hope they realize that you are having far greater blast here, that you are at the source of Christmas, where the blueprint of Christmas is made, where Christmas is not being role played, but where you can meet with the people I used to make Christmas happened, where the greatest Christmas carol is sung by my angels, and where the baby in the manger is at. It's all happening in here, here is the ultimate manifestation of the joy and peace of Christmas. And I hope they will truly understand that - and maybe they will be less saddened."

Footprint In The Sand

I listen to him and I remember what my family have been going through and hope they really understand that I'm okay here. "It's true God, and I hope they will understand the reason that you have behind everything that happened to me. I can imagine how they feel about it, I just hope they could see what I see here, I hope you could make it easier for them, could you God?"

"Well, that is something that they should trust in me." He said. "But you don't have to worry, I am watching their back, as I watched yours. You know I will never leave them. I'll help them, and walk with them along the way. They will get to that point eventually. Now, leave that to me, and enjoy the party would you?"

I nod slowly and walk away, I know he loves my family more than I love them, and I know my husband and children will do just fine under his loving hands. Nothing can separate them from the love of Christ right?

Still deep in my thoughts, I hear my friends' voice calling for me, I quicken my pace and join them into the hustle bustle of the party.

---------
This is clearly not the greatest story, but I will remember this story every time I miss her presence - that what she has with God is far greater than what I have here. If this is true, then I should not be saddened by the reality of spending the rest of my Christmas, New Year, Easter, Birthday, etc without her. I should be joyful knowing what she has there clearly is better in every respect. Christmas here is simply crumbs of what she has there, the celebration here is an overspill of the celebration she has there with God. I know she is smiling now, and I should be smiling too. 

Random Pics - Jakarta

I understand that Starbucks is a well known brand, but coffee and meatball may not be the perfect mate don't you think? Let me have one Growbucks meatball and hmmm, one tall caramel macchiato please? Just doesn't rhyme.

Imagine my initial response when I discovered this obscene writing on a pavement in my complex, "What bastard would wrote such profanity in a residential area full of innocent children?". Then it suddenly dawned on me that this is a jogging track, and they used to have a running race. Connect the dot, and voila. lol. Can you blame them for misspelling an English? 

Again, I can understand if you use Obama's name for your business, it's commercial anyway (although I'm not so sure he's gonna be thrilled to see that). But, Mbah Marijan, out of all people? lol. Please take Tom Cruise, or Trio Macan or even Cinca Laura for that matters, but mbah marijan? I beg not.  

How many gadget do you see in the pic? I should remind myself over and over again that I'm not at a cellular shop, that they're not selling cell phones and how many phone they have is none of my business. But, still, six phones and an ipad? I would suggest them to test for prostate cancer.

A Modest Proposal

Hey hair,

I'm still 23 and the law of nature postulates that you are supposed to still strongly rooted in my hair scalp. You are supposed to grow vigorously, as thick as you like, as long as you wish, and I think I've created a good environment for you to do that, have I ever colored you with red or yellow? Didn't I wash and nourish you everyday?  To act and behave like this given all that I've invested in you and at a time where I still highly dependent on you to attract my female counterparts is an epic act of betrayal!!

I've collected a picture of you from my 19th birthday in 2006 to the most recent 2010, and your lack of commitment and dedication to me are evident. To say you're getting thinner at an alarming rate is an understatement, the rate is astronomical, and I urge you, no, I command you to pull yourself together and grow!! Let's do it. Together, we are unlimited...

April 2006 - Look at all the fun we had, thick and dark, everyone looked at us with envy

April 2007 - Have you concocted your diabolical series of betrayal yet at this time? Would never imagine that 2007 is my last birthday with still a perfectly fine hair volume.

April 2008 - First sign was seen. I was getting worried, shower time was terrifying, but I was still faithful that you were going to come back to your senses

April 2009 - Did you still expect me to smile at this stage? The signs were conspicuous, people started to notice, I started to count "how many, how many?"

April 2010 - And finally. Oh, concerning, deeply concerning. 

So, my dear hair, please tell me when you're going to put an end to all these. I hope you will behave just like all your other peers, at least until the next 20 years. Could you? If not, please let me know, I'm gonna have to find a place to do hair implant soon. Thanks.

Positive Note on Traveling

Traveling has always been one of my favorite things to do, be it a leisure travel or work travel. Why? Simply because you can get out from your routine and experience something new - place, food, people, culture, politics, and  local movements. Of course the last three are a complete bull, but I do like to venture into new things and it is always been a comfort to walk around and to let all my five senses absorb all the sensation they can take.

With such long winded introduction, I'm actually only getting at this point, that these past couple of weeks I have been travelling quite often for work. Our company is having all these trade shows around the country to promote our products to local garden centers. A brief tangent: the show is enjoyable, here is the picture of our booth.

The display is great and I think we are one of the best, if not the best booth in all the shows, but great things come with a great price. It takes us six hours to set that up, and please pardon me for complaining, but keep in mind that those black furniture need to be transported from the van to the booth which is first, not a short walk, and second, let just say that they are not light, they are wrought iron-ly heavy. And yes, they don't look very pretty inside the van. Clutter clutter clutter.

So, what do I really like from all these traveling? First, you stay in a hotel which equals to no making up bed, no guilt feeling when you use five different sets of towels for different purposes (then toss them on the floor), no cleaning dishes and complete freedom to roll to any direction on the king size bed (and the liberty to pick your favorite pillows out of the six available).

Secondly, you received an eye-opening revelation, that even if human race is on its way to extinction, Chinese would probably be the last one standing. Go to the most remote, unseen county, just down at the corner of that corn farm and east of that valley and river and you would see some Lim or Chin or Lee family own a Dragon-something Chinese restaurants. Of course, all have a special and unique General Tso's chicken just like they proudly proclaim. They rule and reign and populate the US.

But of course, there is always one of them who go off on a tangent and open a law firm. Heaven and Dragon forbid, and look at the destiny of those who violate the law of nature.

They "Suk"

Your Next Pick-Up Line?

There are two books that I want to share here, one is a biography of the well-known Amazing Grace composer, John Newton and the other one is a journal of a Christian writer, C.S. Lewis. Both individual lived in a different era, but both of their writings share one unifying theme - a crazy and intense love feeling for their wife. One cannot help but notice and feel and shudder in amazement at the passion coming out from the romantic and melancholic hands of these Christian leaders. So, I think it would be interesting to show the other side of them which is too often shadowed by their other glorious life story or achievement. Here are the writings of an ordinary Adam falling helplessly to their Eve.

John Newton - from Disgrace to Amazing Grace

Describing his initial feeling, he wrote "Almost at the first sight of this girl, I felt an affection for her that never abated.". In his journal, he expressed his feeling as "this violent and commanding passion .... a dark fire locked up in my breast ... in degree it equaled all that the writers of romance have imagined". 

Isn't this the greatest love letter ever?

"The first day I saw you I began to love you. The thoughts of one day meriting you (and believe nothing less could have done it) roused me from a dull insensible melancholy I had contracted and pushed me into the world. .... I think I could run on to a volume, but it would be quite needless, for it is not in the power of words to express with how great ardency I am - Your most devoted faithful admirer, John Newton"

And upon returning to England for six weeks with his wife, he called this period "the happiest part of my life," and continue "I never before had so much of your company in equal space and with so little interruption. Seven such weeks are preferable to seven years of common time."

And on a later occasion, writing to his friend in regards to several people who questioned his wife's excellency to be his partner (as she has no brain nor beauty), Newton wrote "There are sensibilities belonging to a happy marriage that can no more be communicated by description than the taste of a pineapple. They are only to be acquired by experience."

C.S. Lewis - A Grief Observed

Well, this one is different - it's not a book but a journal that he kept after his wife died - detailing his pain and grief at this bereavement. 

"At first I was very afraid of going to places where she and I had been happy - our favorite pub, our favorite wood. But I decided to do it at once. Unexpectedly, it makes no difference. Her absence is no more emphatic in those places than anywhere else. It's not local at all. Eating in general would be different, every day, at every meal. It is like that. The act of living is different all through. Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything."

Reflecting back to his marriage and why it was ended he wrote "It was too perfect to last, so I am tempted to say of our marriage. It could mean "This had reached its proper perfection. This had become what it had in it to be. Therefore of course it would not be prolonged. As if God said, 'Good; you have mastered that exercise. I am very pleased with it. And now you are ready to go on to the next.' "

It's never easy to swallow the hard truth and face the reality. But it is always better to take it at face value rather to deny it by creating a disillusionment or petty comfort  "It is hard to have patience with people who say, 'There is no death' or 'Death doesn't matter.' There is death. .... I look up at the night sky. Is anything more certain than that in all those vast times and spaces, if I were allowed to search them, I should nowhere find her face, her voice, her touch? She died. She is dead. Is the word so difficult to learn?"

And lastly, such a despondent statement - and I second that. Grief has less to do with sorrow or being forsaken, it has more to do with being fearful of what tomorrow or even the next hour may bring.  And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps, more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn't seem worth starting anything. I can't settle down. I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness. 

My Birthday Gift

This post is one month due, but I'm gonna write it anyway because it concerns me and anything concerning me is absolutely essential to be posted. I've written one post about the kind of untypical birthdays greetings that I got for my 23rd birthday, and I think to be fair, I need to write about the gift that I got as well, which is equally untypical. They're unprecedented.

I have received a watch, gift-card, clothes, electronic-stuff or even Gundam as my birthday presents, but this kind of gift, like what I alluded, is unprecedented. I guess it takes a strong urge of determination and mountainous efforts to even set the project in motion, let alone finish it in a meticulous fashion. Thus, hail to my good friends for spending hours creating this scrapbook, and for effortlessly lying to me regarding their whereabout several days before my birthday. I certainly appreciate the thoughts and energy that you guys have put into this book.

Bits and pieces of the scrapbook, displayed nicely before being binded together

One of my favorite pages, I like how the bird hovering over my head.

Road trip to Boston, beaten by the mad crab

My dark and secret desire, massage gift card!! haha. Ecstatic. 

 Thank you guys, really appreciate everything. (setting: at our secret study center, dare to guess??)