3 Years After

Mom, I think you know it. As time goes by, I kinda accept the fact that you are no longer with us. It sounds mean maybe, and I'm afraid that I'm getting used to do this, but doesn't that how grief works? I still think of you, in fact, every time I look at my friends and their mom, I can't stop your face from popping into my head :) and can't help feeling a sliver of hurt on my heart. You are no longer here, and whatever interactions that they have together, are something that I have to bitterly swallow. It's just a wishful thinking, after all.

But, I think I am coping with this better. Is that wrong? I always thought that I will be forever haunted by this loss, and indeed, to some degree, I still am. But, I think humans have the ability to cope with even the worst tragedy. And I think that's what I'm experiencing here.

It just gets better....

Wish that you could still be there with koko and Helen and your grand daughter, Kinerette Anka. Still think you've gone too soon mom. I haven't looked at her as well, but I know you'd love her. Now, in some nights, I wish I would receive a phone call from you, although I know what you're gonna ask anyway :) I think I'm afraid I'd forget how your voice sounds like.

I just looked at our pictures together, and somehow I never really pay attention to this one particular picture. I love it. Really want to take picture together with you again, later in heaven? How's life up there anyway? Life has been super good for me, but ah, you know I know that you know all anyway. So...

Happy anniversary again mom. Been 3 years. I am still surprised how time flies.

A Year After ...

Been a year without your phone calls, no one tell me to "drink more water" again. How's life up there with him? Still think you went too quickly mom, still look at the places we visited together here and can't help not to think of you. Went to Chicago several months ago, and still wish you were there. Planning to go to Hongkong with papi etc this Dec, and can't help to wish you can go with us, and enjoy the trip together. We never travel together right, the five of us, not that papi will allow it though ;p

Miss you...  I know it's your anniversary up there, but it does not look like an anniversary down here. They went to your site to place some flowers though, or should I say to shower you with flowers. Not that you care or could be happier with that, knowing that you have more beautiful flowers there, but we, still in our flesh, can't help not to do it. At the very least, it makes us feel better, even me who only look at the picture. I guess each of us has to express something, with our own way of handling it.

I did some stupid things too, sometimes I wonder if that comes from my lack of faith or simply just an act of "showering flowers". But God has been gracious though, well, I think you know him better now than I. Glad that He is taking care of you there, must be a hell of a year.

Well, till we meet again?

This is beautiful, I hope you like it, considering how much you like flowers. Happy one year.

You Are God's Critic, But Do You Have the Answer?

Throughout the year, I learn to stop asking the question "why", because sometimes God chooses not to answer our question. Not because he doesn't have the answer, but simply because he does not prefer to - just like how he shut Job's mouth when Job was demanding an explanation.

Job 38

¹ Then the Lord answered Job from the whirlwind:

 ² “Who is this that questions my wisdom

      with such ignorant words?

 ³ Brace yourself like a man,

      because I have some questions for you,

      and you must answer them.

 ⁴ “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?
      Tell me, if you know so much.
 ⁵ Who determined its dimensions
      and stretched out the surveying line?

 ⁶ What supports its foundations,
      and who laid its cornerstone
 ⁷ as the morning stars sang together
      and all the angels shouted for joy?

 ⁸ “Who kept the sea inside its boundaries

      as it burst from the womb,

 ⁹ and as I clothed it with clouds

      and wrapped it in thick darkness?

 ¹⁰ For I locked it behind barred gates,

      limiting its shores.

 ¹¹ I said, ‘This far and no farther will you come.

      Here your proud waves must stop!’

 ¹² “Have you ever commanded the morning to appear

      and caused the dawn to rise in the east?

 ¹³ Have you made daylight spread to the ends of the earth,

      to bring an end to the night’s wickedness?

 ¹⁴ As the light approaches,

      the earth takes shape like clay pressed beneath a seal;

      it is robed in brilliant colors.

 ¹⁵ The light disturbs the wicked

      and stops the arm that is raised in violence.

 ¹⁶ “Have you explored the springs from which the seas come?

      Have you explored their depths?

 ¹⁷ Do you know where the gates of death are located?

      Have you seen the gates of utter gloom?

 ¹⁸ Do you realize the extent of the earth?

      Tell me about it if you know!


¹⁹ “Where does light come from,
      and where does darkness go?
 ²⁰ Can you take each to its home?
      Do you know how to get there?
 ²¹ But of course you know all this!
   For you were born before it was all created,
      and you are so very experienced!
 ²² “Have you visited the storehouses of the snow
      or seen the storehouses of hail?
 ²³ (I have reserved them as weapons for the time of trouble,
      for the day of battle and war.)
 ²⁴ Where is the path to the source of light?
      Where is the home of the east wind?
 ²⁵ “Who created a channel for the torrents of rain?
      Who laid out the path for the lightning?
 ²⁶ Who makes the rain fall on barren land,
      in a desert where no one lives?
 ²⁷ Who sends rain to satisfy the parched ground
      and make the tender grass spring up?
 ²⁸ “Does the rain have a father?
      Who gives birth to the dew?
 ²⁹ Who is the mother of the ice?
      Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens?
 ³⁰ For the water turns to ice as hard as rock,
      and the surface of the water freezes.

 ³¹ “Can you direct the movement of the stars—
      binding the cluster of the Pleiades
      or loosening the cords of Orion?
 ³² Can you direct the sequence of the seasons
      or guide the Bear with her cubs across the heavens?
 ³³ Do you know the laws of the universe?
      Can you use them to regulate the earth?
 ³⁴ “Can you shout to the clouds
      and make it rain?
 ³⁵ Can you make lightning appear
      and cause it to strike as you direct?
 ³⁶ Who gives intuition to the heart
      and instinct to the mind?
 ³⁷ Who is wise enough to count all the clouds?
      Who can tilt the water jars of heaven
 ³⁸ when the parched ground is dry
      and the soil has hardened into clods?
 ³⁹ “Can you stalk prey for a lioness
      and satisfy the young lions’ appetites
 ⁴⁰ as they lie in their dens
      or crouch in the thicket?
 ⁴¹ Who provides food for the ravens
      when their young cry out to God
      and wander about in hunger?

Job 39

 ¹ “Do you know when the wild goats give birth?
      Have you watched as deer are born in the wild?
 ² Do you know how many months they carry their young?
      Are you aware of the time of their delivery?
 ³ They crouch down to give birth to their young
      and deliver their offspring.
 ⁴ Their young grow up in the open fields,
      then leave home and never return. ⁵ “Who gives the wild donkey its freedom?
      Who untied its ropes?
 ⁶ I have placed it in the wilderness;
      its home is the wasteland.
 ⁷ It hates the noise of the city
      and has no driver to shout at it.
 ⁸ The mountains are its pastureland,
      where it searches for every blade of grass.
 ⁹ “Will the wild ox consent to being tamed?
      Will it spend the night in your stall?

 ¹⁰ Can you hitch a wild ox to a plow?
      Will it plow a field for you?
 ¹¹ Given its strength, can you trust it?
      Can you leave and trust the ox to do your work?
 ¹² Can you rely on it to bring home your grain
      and deliver it to your threshing floor?
 ¹³ “The ostrich flaps her wings grandly,
      but they are no match for the feathers of the stork.
 ¹⁴ She lays her eggs on top of the earth,
      letting them be warmed in the dust.
 ¹⁵ She doesn’t worry that a foot might crush them
      or a wild animal might destroy them.
 ¹⁶ She is harsh toward her young,
      as if they were not her own.
      She doesn’t care if they die.
 ¹⁷ For God has deprived her of wisdom.
      He has given her no understanding.
 ¹⁸ But whenever she jumps up to run,
      she passes the swiftest horse with its rider.

 ¹⁹ “Have you given the horse its strength
      or clothed its neck with a flowing mane?
 ²⁰ Did you give it the ability to leap like a locust?
      Its majestic snorting is terrifying!
 ²¹ It paws the earth and rejoices in its strength
      when it charges out to battle.
 ²² It laughs at fear and is unafraid.
      It does not run from the sword.
 ²³ The arrows rattle against it,
      and the spear and javelin flash.
 ²⁴ It paws the ground fiercely
      and rushes forward into battle when the ram’s horn blows.
 ²⁵ It snorts at the sound of the horn.
      It senses the battle in the distance.
      It quivers at the captain’s commands and the noise of battle.
 ²⁶ “Is it your wisdom that makes the hawk soar
      and spread its wings toward the south?
 ²⁷ Is it at your command that the eagle rises
      to the heights to make its nest?
 ²⁸ It lives on the cliffs,
      making its home on a distant, rocky crag.
 ²⁹ From there it hunts its prey,
      keeping watch with piercing eyes.
 ³⁰ Its young gulp down blood.
      Where there’s a carcass, there you’ll find it.”

Job 40

Then the Lord said to Job,

"Do you still want to argue with the Almighty?

      You are God's critic, but do you have the answers?"

And with that, I am silenced .......

Praise You in this Storm

"Sometimes God calms our storm, sometimes He chooses to ride the storm with us." Praise you in this storm. Great song.

Praise You in this Storm

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down

and wiped our tears away

stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say amen

and it's still raining

as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain,

"I'm with you"

and as your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away 

And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands

for You are who You are

no matter where I am

and every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You

and raised me up again

my strength is almost gone, how can I carry on

if I can't find You

as as the thunder rolls

I barely hear, You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

and as your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

I lift my eyes unto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego replied to him, "King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty's hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of god you have set up."
 Daniel 3:16-18

Birthday rambling

Today is her birthday, been exactly 8 months since she left.

Thank you god for giving me strength to go through all these, thank you for letting me find comfort and strength in you.

I do still wish she were here and we could celebrate birthday together, I still wish I could buy her present and blow her 53th candle.

Isnt it ironic that it is when she is gone that I remember her birthday, and it is with the same freakin ignorance mind that I  missed and forgot her birthday in the last two years.

But thanks be to God for now the best birthday party ever, for the surprise dinner from the king.

Happy birthday mom, I know you have a blast.

Happy Mother's Day - Down the Memory Lane

I don't know why, but God seems to send me here today to Vegas, on Mother's day for some reasons. My mom and I went to Vegas the last time she was here in the US, and being here again just brings all the memories back. One of my biggest regrets is my failure to buy her flowers Mother's day last year. Now, it is only a desperate wish. So today, even though I can't pull that off and it is definitely not the kind of Mother's day I am expecting, I thank God for sending me here and giving me the opportunity to celebrate my own kind of Mother's day.

Strolling Down Memory Lane

Monte Carlo - the hotel that we stayed at. She had the habit of taking pics with the hotel she stayed in;
some kind of her unwritten rules I guess. We came out from our room one night and took pics here.

Small patch of indoor garden at City Center - she loved this spot, apparently she had special affection
for flowers / grasses / gardens.

The Cup at City Center - their sales girl walked around and gave us a free sample. I loved it, so
we decided to take some rest here and slurped some gelato.  

Bellagio Fountain - she was not a big fan of the fountain. 

The conservatory at Bellagio - She was thrilled to see all the bright beautiful colors. This was one of the rare
times she asked me to take pictures of her with the garden.  

Miracle Miles at Planet Hollywood - she tried on several dresses here, loved them, but they were either too tight or too loose. I remember she asked about the point of buying all these dresses when she only had one year to wear them. It literally broke my heart. I was wordless. 

Mon Ami Gabi at Paris Hotel - Upon my recommendation, we ate at this French restaurant. She was afraid of the
escargot, and did not seem to enjoy the meal very much. From that day onwards, we tried to eat Asian if possible. 

I know it is Vegas, but even in the hustle and bustle of the casino machine and piano bar, every people here shares a story, and if you look far enough beyond all their bling bling and hollering, Vegas reminds them of something - either losing money to this casino, or getting married at this chapel or throwing up on this street. For me, this is my story; a story that happened in Vegas, but the one I refuse to let it stayed in Vegas. Simply because it was too sweet and sometimes too bitter to keep it to myself. 

Her Best Christmas Party.. Ever...

Turn left for the Christmas Party

I follow the sign to join the party that seems to be the hottest event this year - everybody in town have been talking about it. This is my first year in this part of town and my first Christmas away from my family so I'm not sure what to expect, probably the same predictable things like carol singing, gift unwrapping, hand shaking, etc etc? At least that's what I've seen in the movie. My family is never big on Christmas so we don't really do those stuff, but still it feels weird to spend Christmas without them.

My thought travel back to the time when I set up the old Christmas tree at our living room, when the five of us sit together on a Christmas service, strolling and shopping for discounted Christmas decoration at the mall, and sharing Christmas dinner together. My thoughts time traveled further back and I am captivated for a while at the memory of my wedding day with my husband, also on Christmas. Or the proceeding Christmas afterwards, seeing three of my children one by one, growing into a God-feared man and woman. Indeed, my life has been blessed by the King and every Christmas is a celebration for that.

So, here I am at this new place, the first Christmas without the presence of my family and friends. As I approach closer, the sound of festivity is getting more evident; people cheering, chuckling and giggling. The mere merriness and joy quickly arrest my attention and I feel my feet is walking faster in enthusiasm and my heart is pounding with impatience. As I stand before the door, I take a deep breath, practice my best smile and with all my might, open the door. And what I see inside the door is eye-poppingly beyond my imagination.

My fake smile quickly vanishes and turns into a wide smile expressing both amusement and disbelief. At the center of the hall is a group of choir singing joyfully the anthem of Christmas. I see people from all nations and ages praising the miracle of Christmas, their countenances are beamed with joy and thanksgiving, reflecting the whole ambiance in the room. Celestial creatures hovering on top of them, playing musical instruments in the most melodious fashion. The music is soothing, the choir is majestic; and I stand there in amazement for a while, absorbing the grandeur of such scene.

At each corner of the room stand the most magnificent Christmas tree ever, and as I observe them closer, each corner represents one specific season. The tree is unlike what I’ve ever seen; light emanate from it and I can smell the fresh scent of nature. I soon learn that the tree is not decorated by ornaments or toys, the tree from the spring season is an oak tree blooming with all my favorite flowers; roses, tulip and lilies. Cute bees and butterflies are dancing merrily around it, celebrating their own Christmas. I always want to be a florist and the tree before my eyes has such beauty that blow me away. Nature has never been this harmonious, and at the crest of my excitement, I feel my legs start to dance around the Christmas tree joining in the rhythm of the choir. 

Too caught up in the excitement, I forget how starving I am. I quickly head towards the banquet to tame my growling stomach and what I see is the most sumptuous banquet ever. Delectable food from all kind of cuisines are available, even my local hometown food. I grab a full plate of food and find a seat with three other people. As I devour my meal, I quickly find comfort in them. They are genuinely nice and the conversation is so full of love. It feels like we have known each other for ages, and we just jump from one topic to another so seamlessly, share about our life, our most embarrassing moment to which we all listen attentively, laugh heartily and tease lovingly. Such a blast - I have never felt being so loved.

In a sudden, the choir stop playing and there is this five second of silence before the choir starts playing Messiah by Handel. Words fail to describe the sensation, I just feel an insurmountable feeling of joy at the playing of that piece. The door slowly open, and I see the Master of the Banquet enters in. His face is resplendent in glory, his smile is amiable and alluring, and the splendor surrounding him is so grandeur and so majestic. In his eyes I see a blazing fire and a calm water, in his presence I feel completely undone and completely confident. And I think everybody in the room share the same feeling, we all can't help not to revel and praise him, the Christmas himself.

I watch him closely, and I think he notices me and starts to approach me. When we stand face to face, he says to me, "Hey my daughter, I hope you enjoy the party as much as I enjoy it. I know what you are thinking, but you know that they all will also come to this point sometimes don't you? And that they will get to enjoy the party as well."

I agree with him, "I know, but I just hope that my husband and my three children will be with me here. I am sure they will be thrilled to see what fun I have in here. I wish they all were here to talk together with you, and experience you, the true Christmas."

"I know you miss them, and they miss you too you know?" He replied. "And although they won't be able to spend Christmas together with you anymore, I hope they realize that you are having far greater blast here, that you are at the source of Christmas, where the blueprint of Christmas is made, where Christmas is not being role played, but where you can meet with the people I used to make Christmas happened, where the greatest Christmas carol is sung by my angels, and where the baby in the manger is at. It's all happening in here, here is the ultimate manifestation of the joy and peace of Christmas. And I hope they will truly understand that - and maybe they will be less saddened."

Footprint In The Sand

I listen to him and I remember what my family have been going through and hope they really understand that I'm okay here. "It's true God, and I hope they will understand the reason that you have behind everything that happened to me. I can imagine how they feel about it, I just hope they could see what I see here, I hope you could make it easier for them, could you God?"

"Well, that is something that they should trust in me." He said. "But you don't have to worry, I am watching their back, as I watched yours. You know I will never leave them. I'll help them, and walk with them along the way. They will get to that point eventually. Now, leave that to me, and enjoy the party would you?"

I nod slowly and walk away, I know he loves my family more than I love them, and I know my husband and children will do just fine under his loving hands. Nothing can separate them from the love of Christ right?

Still deep in my thoughts, I hear my friends' voice calling for me, I quicken my pace and join them into the hustle bustle of the party.

---------
This is clearly not the greatest story, but I will remember this story every time I miss her presence - that what she has with God is far greater than what I have here. If this is true, then I should not be saddened by the reality of spending the rest of my Christmas, New Year, Easter, Birthday, etc without her. I should be joyful knowing what she has there clearly is better in every respect. Christmas here is simply crumbs of what she has there, the celebration here is an overspill of the celebration she has there with God. I know she is smiling now, and I should be smiling too. 

A Month After....

It has been the weirdest month, to be in a house which does not feel like a house. A big chunk of it is missing, and simply everything in the house just remind you of her. It is the weirdest feeling, to go home at night, knowing there is no more her to talk to, to wake up in the morning, seeing the kitchen without her cooking. It is the weirdest feeling, to realize in the middle of the day, that this is real, no more her figure no matter where I look for it.

It is the weirdest feeling, to be in a house that was so full of her presence, but now without her presence. It is hard to look at the cookies that she bought with me at Walmart, without being reminded of her. It is heart-breaking to see all the photo albums that she carefully gathered and collected, leaving her no chance to enjoy them. To look at the chocolate that she hadn't had the chance to eat, to look at the Korean drama that we didn't get the chance to finish. To look at her trinkets, her make-up station, her bible with her handwriting on it, her glasses, just bring up sweet memories of her, together with a painful fact.

It is the weirdest feeling, and words fail to describe what is this feeling. I think human learn and survive partly by association. We associate America with freedom or prosperity, women with being motherly like, and men with athletic prowess. That is why some truths are easier to learn because we always connect an idea with an existing idea, our mind is entangle with so many associations; a strong yet malleable link. Strong, that is why we found it hard to believe when the US economy plunged, simply because the event counter-attacked, violated and raped our existing idea. Malleable, we gradually learn to accept a newly introduced idea: business women or even stay-at-home dad. To have that link broken abruptly means to have all the associations disfigured, deconstructed, and deemed no longer valid. And the hardest of all, to have the link replaced and rewritten.

The house is deeply associated with her, from the biggest room to the smallest piece of art displayed in our living room. Her hands had touched, influenced, and curated not only the house but also all of us. She is always strongly associated with alive, with being alive, with her high spirit and genuine love. Alive!! And now how am I supposed to relive my life disfiguring the word "alive", rewriting it and learning the word "dead". How could I connect and associate her with that word?? How could I?? The association is so strong that I'm not only shouting for time to make it happen, but for a miracle to happen.

It wasn't until this time that I can fully comprehend this quote by C.S. Lewis and share in the agony,

"There is death .... I look up at the night sky. Is anything more certain than that in all those vast times and spaces, if I were allowed to search them, I should nowhere find her face, her voice, her touch? She died. She is dead. Is the word so difficult to learn?"

Is it even possible to learn? Or it is just a wishful thinking?

Our last memory. In the hospital, edited background, two weeks before she passed away,
still with oxygen tank and wheel chair... 

10 Days After ......

It is not a beautiful memory, not something that you wish to harbor in your mind. I wish I could pay a price to get it erased, to have it deleted permanently. But no matter how determine or how faithful you press the delete button, it will come back with even stronger force. Ruthless. Brute. In-exterminable.

It is not death that breaks your heart into pieces, it is not so much the separation, but all the pains and sufferings leading to it. When the fallen world exerts its forces upon finite beings, when health deteriorates, when breathing becomes a pain, when sleeping becomes a toil and when all your organs work against you, that’s what unbearable and sickeningly suffocating.

I don’t think any of us is designed to handle that, not even the strongest and most iron-hearted of us. I don’t think the heart of flesh possesses any capacity to see, observe and feel the pain, especially if it is your beloved. Watching is excruciating, and without you being able to do anything about it, is even more excruciating. It is beyond excruciating. Don’t you now wish that you are given a heart of stone instead?

I try and try to imagine how God faces this kind of stuff. It’s too painful for me to handle, and this is just a one single event of my life. How could God face the reality of pain every second? If we humans could be so troubled and disturbed by the pain of our beloved, what’s more of God who sees his children suffer every second? What does he feel when he sees his children desperately crying out for help? I assume the pain he feels is unspeakable, and probably the temptation to extend his hands is unmatched by ours, but probably he understands more that love is not equal to kindness, that sometimes love involves pain, even the most seemingly despicable pain.

I wish it could be that easy, I wish.

In Loving Memoriam

Thank you God that although we would never be able to make sense what you're trying to do, you always make it a perfect sense eventually.

Thank you God that the Bible is full with stories of your great deeds, and human remain only as the characters, not the author of the story.

Thank you God that the Bible always shows how humans are too small to even know what we are doing, but you always know what you are doing.

Thank you God that you rise beyond humans' ability to plan their life. Thank you God that at the end of Joseph's story, you have the last word. "You meant it for evil, but I meant it for good"

Thank you God that in the Bible, death is only a stage, not an end in humans life, that neither death, nor disease, nor suffering nor angel nor even evil can separate us from the love of Christ.

Thank you God that in you, death is not a tragedy, it is a celebration. For as Paul said, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

Thank you God that you give us promise to be hopeful and even to be joyful at the face of death.O death, where is your sting? Where is your victory?

So help me Lord to be joyful, to fully understand that you have prepared a better place for her, that one day, we will be united again in perfect harmony, a place with no more grief, tears, and pain.

Thank you God that you let me know how to respond at times like this. Help me to conclude just like Job concluded, God gives and God takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.

Thank you God for giving me such a great mom, thank you God for the splendid 23 years together. 23 years is too short, but I thank you for the time, the last vacation together, the opportunity to serve her during her last days. Thank you God that although it was not a perfect relationship, you will make it perfect in the end, thank you.

And thank you God that you think mami's life has reached its perfection. Thank you God that it is with your loving hand that you take her away, that she is now at your bosom, at your loving embrace. 

Thank you God that it is you who gave mami to me, and it is you who took her away. And with all that I am God, with my limited understanding, and with my utter humility, I submit totally to your will.

God gives, God takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Amen.