Tweets in 2010 - part 1

This post is longgg overdue. Last December, I revisited all my tweets in 2010 just to look back and reminisce at one, if not the most, profound year of my life. As for me, tweeting is one of the vehicles to translate my esoteric feelings into fathomable language; although some are admittedly pure trash talking, some are words replete with meanings and emotions. For sure, 2010 defied everything regular and I was not left untouched by its surprising mark.

1st part of the year
A self-controlling person can't stand before the face of uncertainty; he always tries uncontrollably to get a grip of something, but that is pure folly when he remembers there are actually not much things that is within his control; The joystick is there somewhere, but it certainly not in the grip of his hands. Here is a story of anxiety and dependency, shining brightly in a lovely contrast.

January 
When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one (bad times) as well as the other (good times). So, Psalm 118:24 


Playing and replaying all kind of possible scenarios in my head - if only i can fast forward and see the episode finale 

Just learned today that next Friday is my last day to get a job - or else I'll be leaving town. Please pray for strength and peaceful heart

Isn't that another thing to be grateful for, that our darkest past will be turned out for good? Romans 8:28


February

For I've learned to be content whatever d circumstances, and with that, I can do everything through him who gives me strength - Phil 4


Waking up hating myself and the world - have to flush all those craps and flood my mind with perspective


March
Life is like a mystery novel, d only way to know d unknown is to flip the page, confident that each day brings us closer to the end 


It has been a long n winding journey; from make up, weight loss formula, satellite TV, seafood and fertilizer starting on next week


And I hope this is it, that the search is finally over - oh what a journey, what a god


Going through my journal entries; funny how life plays out, how feelings change, and how people play their roles

Random Pics - Part 2

I am pretty sure that those kind of oil is freaking expensive and will make a great fried chicken. But why, and again, why would you waste it on a supernatural showdown? The image of people sprinkling expensive oil and to rub them on their stomach or forehead is itching for me. I am sure God doesn't mind if you use Bimoli or baby oil for that matter. Let preserve olive oil for the next time you cook Italian dish, and I'll trade my baby oil, or massage oil, or even my natural facial oil the next time you need one. Deal?

Worry not, I'm not at Amazon river and I'm not being attacked by an army of Piranhas. These imported fishes from Turkey are actually cute and harmless - and I deeply believe with the world becoming more globalized and the more trade-barrier being lifted up to import these fishes, the occupation of masseur is under threat. They are great massager; they tickle, they don't talk much, they won't bruise your muscle and leave you in deep pain the day after, they work together for the client satisfaction and they claim to bring restorative effect. There you go, the next future of massage.

I believe in the God of trinity, and that is why when I bought Neril Shampoo and learned afterwards that they also have conditioner and tonic, I quickly receive both of them to be my helper and deliverer. The trinity of my hair is now complete and as the maxim says, do your best to treat your hair, but let God do the rest. Yes, to you three I surrender.

Do you sometimes feel like not in the feeling to dispose your waste due to the fact that you have to clean / wipe / sterilize your bottom? I do sometimes, it is not the most pleasant activity, it is gross and filthy. But why in the United States of America, the most developed country in the world, this technology does not exist? I know you are independent and want to control how things should be done. But for this matter, really? Let leave it to the machine to do the washing for you, and what you have to do is to wipe it just in a single stroke, yes, a single stroke. Hey, you have washing machine for your car, but not for your bottom? We can make it shine and smell nice too you know?

Her Best Christmas Party.. Ever...

Turn left for the Christmas Party

I follow the sign to join the party that seems to be the hottest event this year - everybody in town have been talking about it. This is my first year in this part of town and my first Christmas away from my family so I'm not sure what to expect, probably the same predictable things like carol singing, gift unwrapping, hand shaking, etc etc? At least that's what I've seen in the movie. My family is never big on Christmas so we don't really do those stuff, but still it feels weird to spend Christmas without them.

My thought travel back to the time when I set up the old Christmas tree at our living room, when the five of us sit together on a Christmas service, strolling and shopping for discounted Christmas decoration at the mall, and sharing Christmas dinner together. My thoughts time traveled further back and I am captivated for a while at the memory of my wedding day with my husband, also on Christmas. Or the proceeding Christmas afterwards, seeing three of my children one by one, growing into a God-feared man and woman. Indeed, my life has been blessed by the King and every Christmas is a celebration for that.

So, here I am at this new place, the first Christmas without the presence of my family and friends. As I approach closer, the sound of festivity is getting more evident; people cheering, chuckling and giggling. The mere merriness and joy quickly arrest my attention and I feel my feet is walking faster in enthusiasm and my heart is pounding with impatience. As I stand before the door, I take a deep breath, practice my best smile and with all my might, open the door. And what I see inside the door is eye-poppingly beyond my imagination.

My fake smile quickly vanishes and turns into a wide smile expressing both amusement and disbelief. At the center of the hall is a group of choir singing joyfully the anthem of Christmas. I see people from all nations and ages praising the miracle of Christmas, their countenances are beamed with joy and thanksgiving, reflecting the whole ambiance in the room. Celestial creatures hovering on top of them, playing musical instruments in the most melodious fashion. The music is soothing, the choir is majestic; and I stand there in amazement for a while, absorbing the grandeur of such scene.

At each corner of the room stand the most magnificent Christmas tree ever, and as I observe them closer, each corner represents one specific season. The tree is unlike what I’ve ever seen; light emanate from it and I can smell the fresh scent of nature. I soon learn that the tree is not decorated by ornaments or toys, the tree from the spring season is an oak tree blooming with all my favorite flowers; roses, tulip and lilies. Cute bees and butterflies are dancing merrily around it, celebrating their own Christmas. I always want to be a florist and the tree before my eyes has such beauty that blow me away. Nature has never been this harmonious, and at the crest of my excitement, I feel my legs start to dance around the Christmas tree joining in the rhythm of the choir. 

Too caught up in the excitement, I forget how starving I am. I quickly head towards the banquet to tame my growling stomach and what I see is the most sumptuous banquet ever. Delectable food from all kind of cuisines are available, even my local hometown food. I grab a full plate of food and find a seat with three other people. As I devour my meal, I quickly find comfort in them. They are genuinely nice and the conversation is so full of love. It feels like we have known each other for ages, and we just jump from one topic to another so seamlessly, share about our life, our most embarrassing moment to which we all listen attentively, laugh heartily and tease lovingly. Such a blast - I have never felt being so loved.

In a sudden, the choir stop playing and there is this five second of silence before the choir starts playing Messiah by Handel. Words fail to describe the sensation, I just feel an insurmountable feeling of joy at the playing of that piece. The door slowly open, and I see the Master of the Banquet enters in. His face is resplendent in glory, his smile is amiable and alluring, and the splendor surrounding him is so grandeur and so majestic. In his eyes I see a blazing fire and a calm water, in his presence I feel completely undone and completely confident. And I think everybody in the room share the same feeling, we all can't help not to revel and praise him, the Christmas himself.

I watch him closely, and I think he notices me and starts to approach me. When we stand face to face, he says to me, "Hey my daughter, I hope you enjoy the party as much as I enjoy it. I know what you are thinking, but you know that they all will also come to this point sometimes don't you? And that they will get to enjoy the party as well."

I agree with him, "I know, but I just hope that my husband and my three children will be with me here. I am sure they will be thrilled to see what fun I have in here. I wish they all were here to talk together with you, and experience you, the true Christmas."

"I know you miss them, and they miss you too you know?" He replied. "And although they won't be able to spend Christmas together with you anymore, I hope they realize that you are having far greater blast here, that you are at the source of Christmas, where the blueprint of Christmas is made, where Christmas is not being role played, but where you can meet with the people I used to make Christmas happened, where the greatest Christmas carol is sung by my angels, and where the baby in the manger is at. It's all happening in here, here is the ultimate manifestation of the joy and peace of Christmas. And I hope they will truly understand that - and maybe they will be less saddened."

Footprint In The Sand

I listen to him and I remember what my family have been going through and hope they really understand that I'm okay here. "It's true God, and I hope they will understand the reason that you have behind everything that happened to me. I can imagine how they feel about it, I just hope they could see what I see here, I hope you could make it easier for them, could you God?"

"Well, that is something that they should trust in me." He said. "But you don't have to worry, I am watching their back, as I watched yours. You know I will never leave them. I'll help them, and walk with them along the way. They will get to that point eventually. Now, leave that to me, and enjoy the party would you?"

I nod slowly and walk away, I know he loves my family more than I love them, and I know my husband and children will do just fine under his loving hands. Nothing can separate them from the love of Christ right?

Still deep in my thoughts, I hear my friends' voice calling for me, I quicken my pace and join them into the hustle bustle of the party.

---------
This is clearly not the greatest story, but I will remember this story every time I miss her presence - that what she has with God is far greater than what I have here. If this is true, then I should not be saddened by the reality of spending the rest of my Christmas, New Year, Easter, Birthday, etc without her. I should be joyful knowing what she has there clearly is better in every respect. Christmas here is simply crumbs of what she has there, the celebration here is an overspill of the celebration she has there with God. I know she is smiling now, and I should be smiling too. 

First Poll: Writing Class?

Hey guys, a simple poll here to get your honest opinion. Here is the story..

I've been getting some urge from people to go serious into this writing business. "Hey, you should write a book man" or "I love your writing, continue doing it". As sweet as they sound, it is really hard to discern which one possesses a genuine heart-felt tone and which one contains fake flattery. Not that I'm judging but hey, that's a valid point. The difference between 'Aw, how cute is your dog', and "Hey, I think your dog should join a dog pageant" is worlds apart and I just want to make sure that writing is really my cup of tea, in your opinion.

For me, I like writing, sometimes. I like babbling, a lot. But to make it as a serious venture or to consider myself as the great venerated author had never crossed my mind, even now. But, I think I should not take lightly what people say, if they see that as a possibility, I should consider and this is what I'm doing.

I'm not aiming to be a super professional author producing a New York Times bestseller, but if this is a skill that God has given to me, I definitely want to be responsible for it. I know writing can be powerful and I can see some future of me with a laptop and a printer - writing article for ministry, book review, etc. But before I step into that uncharted territory, I need your honest, blunt or brutal opinion.

Thanks. (the poll is on the top right side of the blog - your simple yes or no is greatly appreciated and will greatly determine what the future holds for me. Yes, it is that dramatic.)

PS: and this is the writing course that I'm considering. http://www.christianwritersguild.com/

Leiomyosarcoma - For Dummies

First caveat: this post is not comprehensive by any means, but it provides a layman language to understand Leiomyosarcoma. If you want to go more technical on this topic, this website provides great valuable information (on which I derived lots of mine too), but for more aerial view of this disease, I hope you can find this post useful.

First fact: Leiomyosarcoma is a rare cancer, affecting four people in every million, of which my mom is one of them.

It is a smooth muscle cancer, infecting sites like uterus, lungs, intestine, blood vessels, liver, etc - basically every organs with muscle that operate without you controlling it.

Again, a very rare and aggressive cancer. Soft tissue cancer (sarcoma) is a cancer caused by error from soft tissue cells - in itself already a rarity. And out of all sarcoma, only 5-10% are Leiomyosarcoma (smooth muscle cancer).

As of today, there is no known cure. This type of cancer is lethal because it is resistant to chemotherapy and radiation. The only treatment is to remove the infected site surgically with wide margin, meaning to cut the area around the infected site wide enough (2 inches or 5cm).

Initially identified, the cancer usually starts from one primary site (primary tumor), and it progresses from stage one to four. However, the cancer could transport through blood vessels and infected different sites (secondary tumor). This is called metastasis, and just one metastasis makes a stage IV, even though the primary tumor is still at stage I or II or III. In such case, there is no cure.

Not only that, even if a surgery with wide margin is administered to less than stage IV tumor, the cancer can come back locally. This is called local occurrence and it possesses the same aggressiveness which make it as lethal and life-threatening as the previous tumor.

It is not my wish to terrorize you with all these heart-breaking facts, as shocking  as they are, they are true nevertheless. I will not water down the the diabolic traits of this cancer, it is hurtful, yes, but I think the faster you grasp and understand what you are facing, the less likely you will be paralyzed by it later on.

So, if I could give some advices. Cry it out loud, it is indeed debilitating and I found it useful to put your fortress down and just weep. Easy for them to say "be strong", when they don't walk a mile in your shoes. For once, I would say, don't be strong and spill it. But afterwards, linger not and face it.

On a personal note, this is what kept me going. I know my God understands my sorrow because he had also experienced pain and suffering on the cross. I know he knows what it's like to shout for God with no one answering. His calling, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me", was replied with total silence - a cosmic alienation. I know Jesus can relate to me and understand my pain and sorrow. And that gives me the ultimate comfort, hope, and peace to deal with this ordeal.

This is inexorably painful already even with God by my side, and I can't imagine people going through this without God. I just hope you can find God in this suffering, and to know that he is with us to share our fear and tear, that you are never alone in this ordeal, and that you are greatly loved.

John 3:16
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

Random Pics - Jakarta

I understand that Starbucks is a well known brand, but coffee and meatball may not be the perfect mate don't you think? Let me have one Growbucks meatball and hmmm, one tall caramel macchiato please? Just doesn't rhyme.

Imagine my initial response when I discovered this obscene writing on a pavement in my complex, "What bastard would wrote such profanity in a residential area full of innocent children?". Then it suddenly dawned on me that this is a jogging track, and they used to have a running race. Connect the dot, and voila. lol. Can you blame them for misspelling an English? 

Again, I can understand if you use Obama's name for your business, it's commercial anyway (although I'm not so sure he's gonna be thrilled to see that). But, Mbah Marijan, out of all people? lol. Please take Tom Cruise, or Trio Macan or even Cinca Laura for that matters, but mbah marijan? I beg not.  

How many gadget do you see in the pic? I should remind myself over and over again that I'm not at a cellular shop, that they're not selling cell phones and how many phone they have is none of my business. But, still, six phones and an ipad? I would suggest them to test for prostate cancer.

A Month After....

It has been the weirdest month, to be in a house which does not feel like a house. A big chunk of it is missing, and simply everything in the house just remind you of her. It is the weirdest feeling, to go home at night, knowing there is no more her to talk to, to wake up in the morning, seeing the kitchen without her cooking. It is the weirdest feeling, to realize in the middle of the day, that this is real, no more her figure no matter where I look for it.

It is the weirdest feeling, to be in a house that was so full of her presence, but now without her presence. It is hard to look at the cookies that she bought with me at Walmart, without being reminded of her. It is heart-breaking to see all the photo albums that she carefully gathered and collected, leaving her no chance to enjoy them. To look at the chocolate that she hadn't had the chance to eat, to look at the Korean drama that we didn't get the chance to finish. To look at her trinkets, her make-up station, her bible with her handwriting on it, her glasses, just bring up sweet memories of her, together with a painful fact.

It is the weirdest feeling, and words fail to describe what is this feeling. I think human learn and survive partly by association. We associate America with freedom or prosperity, women with being motherly like, and men with athletic prowess. That is why some truths are easier to learn because we always connect an idea with an existing idea, our mind is entangle with so many associations; a strong yet malleable link. Strong, that is why we found it hard to believe when the US economy plunged, simply because the event counter-attacked, violated and raped our existing idea. Malleable, we gradually learn to accept a newly introduced idea: business women or even stay-at-home dad. To have that link broken abruptly means to have all the associations disfigured, deconstructed, and deemed no longer valid. And the hardest of all, to have the link replaced and rewritten.

The house is deeply associated with her, from the biggest room to the smallest piece of art displayed in our living room. Her hands had touched, influenced, and curated not only the house but also all of us. She is always strongly associated with alive, with being alive, with her high spirit and genuine love. Alive!! And now how am I supposed to relive my life disfiguring the word "alive", rewriting it and learning the word "dead". How could I connect and associate her with that word?? How could I?? The association is so strong that I'm not only shouting for time to make it happen, but for a miracle to happen.

It wasn't until this time that I can fully comprehend this quote by C.S. Lewis and share in the agony,

"There is death .... I look up at the night sky. Is anything more certain than that in all those vast times and spaces, if I were allowed to search them, I should nowhere find her face, her voice, her touch? She died. She is dead. Is the word so difficult to learn?"

Is it even possible to learn? Or it is just a wishful thinking?

Our last memory. In the hospital, edited background, two weeks before she passed away,
still with oxygen tank and wheel chair... 

Baptism - The Tiberias Way

In a nutshell, Tiberias is very much associated with its miraculous signs and wonders especially through the power of Holy Communion and the Anointing Oil. The head pastor, Yesaya Pariadji, claims to receive this special commission from God himself, here is an excerpt:

"Tiberias received a special commission from the Lord Jesus to reveal the power and significance of the Holy Communion and the Anointing Oil. ... We pray that in these last days, through the bread, wine, and oil, we are sanctified, restored, healed, perfected, and sealed as a citizen of the Kingdom of Heaven"

That is a brief introduction to give you an idea of what Tiberias is about. Beside those three, Tiberias also holds a firm belief in the power of baptism; it is believed to have the power to restore people back to the images of God. And this is what I'm going to talk about; I'll try to summarize their belief about baptism, and I would like to know what's your opinion on that.

Their concept of baptism came after Pariadji's struggle about the right way to baptize: immersion or sprinkle. He claimed that God personally showed him five times that immersion is the way to go, and it is with this method that we can be restored to the images of Christ, referring to Gen 1:26, full of miraculous power. He strengthened his argument by confidently stated that it was God himself who showed him, and if proven to be untrue, his mouth shall be knitted and be thrown into hell.

Matthew 21:23-27 was where he drew his teaching from:
1. Because the Pharisee hinted that John baptism was from the authority of Heaven (v 25), then baptism must come from Heaven and thus, has the power to send us as citizen of Heaven, and thus, has the power to give us heavenly power as we are restored back to the images of Christ.

2. The right baptism is John's baptism, referring to verse 25. And upon this verse, he built the teaching that only a person who possesses the spirit of martyrdom (like John) is allowed to do baptism. A powerful and correct baptism is conducted by the right person (those with spirit of martyrdom) with the right method.

3. Pariadji then claimed to have the spirit of martyrdom, given by God himself. He was taken to Heaven, stopped by for a brief visit to Hell and saw the suffering soul of the condemned. He quickly knelt and cried at Jesus' feet and pleaded for God to let him serve their sentence, let him sacrifice his life to replace them. He insisted and pleaded three times, and finally God answered:

"Today, your pact is fulfilled, you indeed have the spirit of martyrdom like John. Thus, you are given the power to conduct the Holy Communion; power reserved only for those with the spirit of martyrdom."

What is the pact that he is talking about here? He shared that he always wanted to meet with people who is more sacrificial than him. If God fulfills it, he will honor his promise to God (no elaboration on the promise) Thus, the pact is honored when he met Jesus; he met a person who is more sacrificial than him.

4. Mark 16:16-18 unpack the signs of those who have been baptized: drive out demons, speak in new tongues, delivered from unfortunate events (pick up snakes with their hands), and heal people.

So, those were some important key points that he made about baptism. He certainly believes about the power of baptism to sanctify people, that the right baptism is only John's baptism, and he is the official person to carry out the baptism ceremony because he is endowed with the spirit of martyrdom from God.

I have heard lots of disagreement amongst denomination about baptism: requirement for salvation, immersion or sprinkle, the significance, etc, but have never heard of what Pariadji just introduced. Lots of people hold the belief that baptism serves solely as a ceremonial ritual or celebration to mark a Christian. It seems to me that Tiberias holds a much broader and more significant view of baptism, or even stands in contradiction to that view. And the ultimate question remains, how should we view this, and what The Bible says about it.